Back in my weight-loss-obsessed days, I was a detox pro. So buckle up as we ride through the 8 simple steps to learn how to detox your body.

When I was obsessed with trying to lose weight, I tried many detoxes and cleanses, so trust me when I say that I know how they work.

While detoxes aren’t fun, there are a few benefits you may experience:

  • Catch up on all your favourite Netflix shows because you don’t have the energy to leave the house.

  • Save $$ on toilet paper because you can only do a number 1.

  • Require less fake tan because you’ve turned orange from eating too many carrots.

But that’s really about all the benefits you get from detoxing… 

So let’s explore the 8 simple steps you take when you detox. 

What is the best way to cleanse your body? Read on to find out. Image: Unsplash
What is the best way to cleanse your body? Read on to find out. Image: Unsplash

How to cleanse or detox your body

Step 1. Quit your job (or pull a sickie).

Don’t expect to be productive, be able to concentrate or be a nice person while you detox. Warn your family and friends not to contact you.

This is one of the key steps to detox your body.

Step 2. Buy overpriced supplements with no scientific backing.

If it’s backed up by a health blogger, then that’s all the evidence needed. Apparently, doctors and qualified health professionals don’t endorse detoxes because they are just trying to make money.

Step 3. Spend all day on the toilet. Or asleep.

Light some scented candles to fumigate the bathroom. Make sure you’ve got magazines to read. You’re going to be in there for a while…

Step 4. Keep ice packs on hand. 

A cooling ice pack may help you forget just how miserable you feel. Prepare to have a headache the whole time.

Step 5. Emerge from your cleanse cocoon with dehydration and significantly less muscle mass.

Pretend you like the taste of cayenne pepper lemon maple water to all your friends who ask. 

Step 6. Quickly realise how good it is to chew food!

Eating is way more fun than diarrhoea. Suddenly remember that you love food like you love Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. 

Step 7. Put on all the ‘weight’ you lost (plus more).

Discover that you didn’t lose fat – you lost muscle mass, willpower, time and money. Now you feel deprived, hungry and tired which sets you up for emotional eating. Regain more weight than you lost. (P.s. If that’s you, my free 5-day course to stop emotional eating will help)

Step 8. Feel like a failure.

Beat yourself up for failing (again) instead of realising that diets, detoxes and cleanses failed you (not the other way around).

Read a (witty/charming) blog post that explains that you actually don’t need to detox your body at all. Vow never to detox again! Hooray :D  

How to detox your body naturally (aka. How to never detox again)

Recognise that your body naturally detoxes itself all the time… you’re even doing it right now! If it didn’t, you’d be dead). Sad but true. Your lungs, skin, liver and kidney have got it covered. To help them out, you may want to;

  • Detox your life permanently from crappy health advice. Get your health advice from qualified health professionals. I promise you’ll be a whole lot healthier and feel a lot lighter! Check out this podcast episode to know what red flags to look out for: Signs it’s time to swap health care professionals
  • Consume fewer (so-called) ‘toxins’ and you won’t need to cleanse.
  • Adopt healthy habits, not restrictions. This book explains how. Quit smoking, drink less booze and fill up with fruit and veggies.
  • Detox your social media account of health bloggers who get paid big bucks to deceive you and sell detoxes.

Conclusion: Why you don’t need to learn how to detox your body

To sum it up, no, you absolutely do not need to detox.

What’s more, restrictive approaches like that tend to lead to increased cravings for the food you are missing out on, and then you might find you need to eat more to feel satisfied. They can ignite emotional eating and backfire.

You don’t need to cleanse. Or detox or diet.

A question for you: Why do you want to diet?

Are you feeling unwell in your body or are you feeling guilty? What would really be driving you to ‘detox’?

It matters.

If you’re wanting more energy, to feel springy – there are lots of non-detox-y but wonderful things you could add to your life. (Check out this blog post for inspo)

What’s really going to help you feel well? Letting go of the guilt or adding in even more things to your to-do list?

If you want to learn how to be healthy without dieting – and get the tools to take the guesswork and stress out of working it all out – try my Back to Basics app free for 7-days.

It’s a much healthier approach than diets or detoxes.

Disclaimer: This blog post is satirical and meant to educate and entertain. Did it work? Want more info on so-called ‘toxins’? I loved this article called ‘Fashionably Toxic’ by Dr David Gorski. 

What type of eater are you?

like an old school cosmo quiz